anti-binary rant

Sometimes its hard to justify why I prefer people to use male pronouns for me, because personally I dont really want to take T or have surgery. I am going to the Gender Odyssey conference this weekend and kind of scared or anxious. Because some friends of mine went last year and just attending helped them realize they wanted to make some of those physical changes, I wonder what will change about me or what will suddenly fall into place after experiencing three days of the conference and meeting and being around all those people.

I used to think I was messed up because I did not feel butch or femme but some mixture of both or niether...now it usually makes me feel powerful to be androgynous, or two-spirit (1/32 native so i can almost use that identity) if you will. Bathrooms are still always a problem for me, I clench my fist outside the doors, looking back and forth and back and forth, and hating that I have to choose. Everytime I am forced to make a choice that doesn't really fit, the best room that moment based on my personal safety, or what I am wearing, or how I feel.

Also people give me wierd looks when buying underclothes in the mens section at target cause I am so little....